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Sex Etiquette – How to Hook Up

If there is one thing I’ve learned from observing mating habits, it’s that most women are incapable of separating their feelings from sex. So it should come as no surprise that the number one question I’m asked by readers and randoms alike is how to hook up with someone without feeling like a big whore-bag afterward. Personally, I can’t see any reason why a gal would feel anything but fabulous after a hook-up, but who am I to judge those lightweights among us who still have feelings?

Now I don’t want to give you the correct impression that I engage in a lot of hook ups, but I do have a few tips and tricks for the ladies who tend to get caught up. So without further ado, here are my top tips for pulling off a successful hook up:

1. Bring no one

Yeah – I thought this was a no-brainer too. But you’d be surprised if you knew how many times I’ve been told a story of a hook up that included the line “…so my friend and I went over there….”.

Um…sorry what now?

Ladies, there is only one reason for you to bring a friend to a hook up: you’re planning on having a three-way. Otherwise lose the dead weight and go get yours. Don’t give me any sh*t about bringing your friend there “for safety” or any of that poppycock. Be a big girl and text your friend that dude’s vitals so if you do turn up dead she knows where to find him. Then send her off to find her own sugar. Because please believe there are some best friends out there who are tagging along with you to your hookup’s spot for no other reason than to make sure you don’t get any. Celibacy loves company.

2. No Talking

Now this isn’t meant to imply that you can’t engage in a little pre- and post-coital chit chat, but please remember that this is a hook up, not a therapy session. Check your problems at the door please. Your fight with your bestie is of zero interest to this dude right now. Go find you a substitute dude to listen to that. And please, oh please, do not try to talk to him about how he feels about the hook up or where he thinks the hook up will lead.

2. Tell no one

In this case, I would say that the definition of “no one” is a little fluid. It’s one thing to give play-by-plays and length/girth measurements confide in your sister or your bestie, it’s quite another thing to broadcast your hook up from the mountain tops. It’s normal to get a little post-sex hyper but try and hold things down okay?

3. Beware the warm and fuzzies

This is where a lot of women get swindled. Because women like to read something into every minute action undertaken by a man on our radar, they (yes I am dissociating myself from you right now) have a tendency to assign huge meaning to commonplace actions. Ladies, basic manners such as bringing you a drink of water or a towel to wipe off the seeds, offering you cab fare home, or participating in minimal cuddling should not be misconstrued as evidence that he wants anything more from you than another serving of what he just got.

4. Don’t Assume…

Don’t assume that a bone is equal to an invitation to spend the night. Don’t assume that the hook up with you is so mind-blowing that he won’t be hooking up with someone else tomorrow night. (And if he does, don’t assume that last night’s hook up gives you license to go psycho-bitch on him). Don’t assume that your sexual hook up will translate into a free-stuff hook up (this is a shout out to my ladies who hook up with a promoter and then get mad when they have to pay cover to get into his parties).

5. Accept it for what it is

A hook up does not have magical powers. It can cure a lot of ills, but it’s not going to catapult you to girlfriend status, nor will it lessen the burn of baby fever if that’s your issue. So please manage your expectations. The only guarantee in a properly-executed hook up is that you will get your rocks off. And that’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

But what do you guys think? Will these rules help to make a hook up an enjoyable experience for all or should we just go with the flow? Do you have hook up rules of your own?